The guilt of miscarriage

The guilt of miscarriage

I don’t talk about my miscarriage. In fact if your reading this and you know me personally, you probably didn’t even know I had been through it. It takes me back to quite a painful time in my life. I’m not one to dwell on what could have been so I’ve pushed past the thoughts and feelings from around that time, and I’ve dealt with it…Or so I thought.

There has been a lot in the press and social media recently regarding baby loss. And it’s brought a lot of the memories back. I feel like maybe now is the time to for me to talk about my miscarriage. Its time to deal with the emotions I’ve tried to ignore. It’s such a lonely awful time as a woman and there is little comfort from somebody saying they are “sorry”.

My Story

When I found out I was pregnant at first I was a mess. It wasn’t planned and I wasn’t prepared to be pregnant again. At that time I didn’t want any more children and I was in a sheer state of shock and panic. I was an emotional wreck about the whole thing. I remember a lot of crying and saying “what am I going to do”.

As it turned out, I wasn’t going to do anything, my body spitefully took care of that. I remember the day I miscarried so vividly, the stress, the worry and panic about what was happening was overwhelming.

My friend had come over a week or so later after I found out I was pregnant. I confided in her that I was pregnant, we discussed how I felt and I was still dealing with the shock. She suggested I make an appointment with my GP to discuss my options. So I booked an appointment for the next week.

Emotional Turmoil

I was slowly coming to terms with adding another bundle of life to my family when hours later I went to the toilet and noticed I was bleeding. Id had light spotting at the beginning of my first pregnancy so I didn’t worry, its quite normal. Although later that afternoon I didn’t feel right, and the bleeding increased. As I type this post I can feel my heart pounding as it did that day, its practically beating out of my chest. Having never been in this situation before I didn’t know what to do. I called my GP again and burst into tears. The receptionist was so lovely, comforted me over the phone, and told me she had made me an emergency appointment and to come straight in.

I remember feeling panicked. I sat numbly in the waiting area as my name was called in to see the doctor.

Tests

The first thing I was asked to do was provide a urine sample, it was so contaminated with blood the GP confirmed my fears that it looked as though sadly I was suffering a miscarriage. He tested my sample and it was still showing as positive so he called and booked me an emergency scan the following morning at the hospital for further tests.

I took my sister with me for moral support, my blood pressure was taken, and a blood sample was taken and checked. I had a scan which the nurse said unfortunately she could see no signs of life. She confirmed my baby hadn’t made it. Completely dazed, I wasn’t sure how to feel. Nothing was really being taken in when the nurse was explaining what would happen.

My blood test came back as still having high levels of pregnancy hormone. Too high to suggest that the little life inside me was gone so a further appointment was made for a couple of days later to return and be tested again. I think they were worried in case I hadn’t had a full miscarriage and would need an operation to remove any lasting trace.

I sat in a room alone whilst a nurse came to talk to me about a drug that was being trialed after miscarriage. In all honesty the only place I wanted to be was out of there and at home on my own.

The Wait

My appointment a few days later confirmed my blood results had returned to normal and sadly I had miscarried.

I felt a fraud though, I felt guilty. I’d questioned whether or not to go ahead with the pregnancy in the first place. Now that decision had cruelly been taken from me. I was just starting to get my head around the idea. I felt like I couldn’t feel sad for the life I had lost because I wasn’t sure if I wanted it in the first place. It’s a guilt I still feel today.

My miscarriage is something that stays with me, in the deepest recess of my brain. It pops up every now and again to remind. I’m transported instantly back to that day and to those feelings. I doubt they will ever leave.

Miscarriage – loss of a pregnancy during the first 23 weeks of gestation– is the most common complication of pregnancy. Among women who know they are pregnant, 1 in 6 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. It is not only felt deeply, but widely And yet it remains a sad reality that many women will only be investigated after they have suffered through this three times in a row.

I’ve decided to join the discussion around miscarriage and baby loss, after the coverage on social media and the newspapers. Let’s break the taboo.

If you have been through, or are going through a difficult time regarding this subject please check out http://www.tommys.org for support and advice #togetherforchange

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2 Comments

  1. Lisa’s
    July 17, 2018 / 1:52 PM

    Thank you for sharing this, it’s so important that issues around how we talk about miscarriage are raised. I had a miscarriage between my two, we were trying for our 2nd. I found the language that was used in front of me and my husband really distressing – referring to our baby (as it was to us at the time at 12 weeks pg) as debris when checking my womb. Also i was wheeled in a wheelchair through a waiting room full of expectant Parents , many of whom might have been having their first scan ever, covered in blood from my waist down. It must have been as scary for them as soul destroying as it was for me. I found a good article the other day about it I’ll try and share it for you xx

    • July 17, 2018 / 2:05 PM

      Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience too. Its utterly heartbreaking having the same ward and waiting area for those who have lost or losing their babies, to those who are still expecting. Please do share the article you found. Sharing information, stories and talking about what happened to us can only help future women who go through the devastation of baby loss xx

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